When you’re feeling hopeless, helpless, powerless, and don’t know consciously how to access your power and leave these feelings behind, it’s often easy to act in controlling ways toward yourself and toward others. In the following example, Jenny discovers that she has a choice in how she responds.
           
Once during a business meeting, a co-worker asked Jenny to pick up a client at the airport. Inwardly Jenny felt this was a hassle, beneath her job description, and she just didn’t want to do it. Jenny was furious at her friend for asking but found she couldn’t say no, so she agreed to meet the plane. Then Jenny felt hurt, trapped, and hostile. She began to pout by looking down at her notebook and stopped interacting at the meeting.

Situations such as this had happened many times in the past. Usually Jenny would go home and eat, stuffing her anger. However this time, Jenny’s boss confronted her.

“You’re controlling everyone in this room,” she said. “You haven’t said a word, but you’ve had everyone’s attention for the last fifteen minutes. You know it too—you’re smiling.” 

Shocked and ashamed, Jenny knew it was true, for she felt like laughing even as she was being confronted about her angry, controlling behavior.

Her boss continued, “If you’d make the choice to use that energy in a positive, purposeful way, you’d be a powerful being who could accomplish anything.”
           
Jenny was hit with the truth. Powerful? Angry and controlling? Accomplish anything? She knew she felt like an ashamed little girl and began to wonder about the dynamics of the dichotomy that triggered her urge to laugh.
           
This was a turning point for Jenny. She gradually became more aware of her behavior and its effect on others, even when she felt helpless and didn’t fully know what she was doing. Deep inside, Jenny knew she was a powerful spiritual being. But she also knew she had bought too heavily into the societal belief that it was more acceptable to be helpless.

That day Jenny learned what it felt like to be on the dark side of control, allowing herself to be controlled, and the flip side of manipulating and controlling others. When Jenny negated her feelings by agreeing to do what she did not want to do, she denied her own truth and undermined her true self.

Jenny might have handled the situation differently. She could have asked for support and help from others at the meeting¾but she didn’t. It was easier for Jenny to act out of past habits and patterns. Well after the event, Jenny realized she had a choice in how she could respond. The simple truth is this: Jenny could have responded by just saying, “No.”

Learning to Say No and Feel Good about It

The following story is about using creativity to learn ways to say “No” to what you don’t want in your life so that there’s more room for you to say “Yes” to what you do want.
           
A woman named Kathryn wrote in her new journal, “I’d like to dedicate this journal to creating spiritual writing exercises to bring more freedom into my life.”

Inwardly Kathryn knew what was keeping her from experiencing the level of freedom she wanted, since she had struggled with guilt most of her life. This guilt connected to many weed-like beliefs and behaviors, such as (1) Kathryn believed she wasn’t good enough; (2) she thought everything that went wrong was her fault; (3) she felt compelled to please others; (4) she felt responsible for fixing everyone’s problems; and (5) she couldn’t say no to other people’s requests for her time and energy. Underlying these beliefs, Kathryn discovered she held unrealistic expectations of herself, namely that she needed to be perfect and liked by everyone. Both of these expectations stemmed from a false sense of vanity rooted in low self-esteem.
           
Kathryn’s first step to healing her faulty belief system was learning to say no to the many demands on her resources. She began this process by writing NO in eight-inch high, black letters across her front door to remind her to say it whenever she could. Whenever Kathryn did say no however, she noticed a high degree of anxiety and guilt would result. 

Kathryn realized her underlying guilt was blocking her progress toward developing the ability to say no. She knew the only way she could feel good about herself was to go deeper in her quest, simultaneously confronting and dealing with both major issues (learning to say no and absolving her guilt). Here’s how she did it.

Kathryn wrote the words “LET IT GO” on several yellow index cards and placed them at strategic points around the house. Whenever she saw these cards, it reminded her subconscious to let go of the guilty feelings. Also, whenever she started to feel guilty, she would command herself in loud, forcible words to “LET IT GO!” She practiced saying this throughout the day.

She not only found that the command words helped her release feelings of guilt and perfectionism but today she only has to hear these words and she instantly relaxes. These command words will work for you in a similar manner once you’ve mastered this technique. 
           
Kathryn also practiced many different ways of saying “No” using the Assertiveness Scripts that follow until it became comfortable for her to segue them into casual conversation. All of this happened gradually in a natural cycle of change. Kathryn took the process of change little by little, step-by-step, all the while receiving just what she could handle, at the pace she could handle.
          
Kathryn found when she mastered the ability to say no, she was finally free of the guilt that had once plagued her. And when most of her energy wasn’t tied up emotionally with faulty beliefs, her eating habits began to improve too.
           
Assertiveness Scripts

• Disagree with a straightforward statement (“I don’t agree with your understanding
  of . . .”)
• Confront by denying the statement is relevant to the conversation (“That’s not the point.”)
• Reword negative labels by framing it in positive words (“I am not being childish; I’m stating my view.”)
• Repeat your main point until it is heard without anger
• Ask Questions if you’re not comfortable with a point, or ask for clarification (“How do you see me as childish or selfish?”)
• State Feelings by using “I” statements that reflect your opinion about the situation (“I really feel this is important!”)
• Be Short and Quick by just saying “NO” directly

Learn how to control your life & your eating with smart come backs for your self esteem.  Practice the smart come backs or the fool proof assertive scripts in this article and learn to feel guilt free. Smart come backs for your empowerment will add peace to your life.