Dr. Kathleen Fuller

We all love the fairy tale ending. We marry the prince, who is the handsome man we fall in love with, and we want to send the rest of our lives happily together. We can’t see anything else through our eyes of love. We just know that, “Love conquers everything, and you can live happily ever after.”

“I wish, I wish, I wish!” says your fairy godmother.

So here’s the real story from someone who married her prince. Imago Relationship Therapy tells us according to Dawn J. Lipthrott, LCSW “while many people have a conscious (and sometimes written) list of what they are looking for in a spouse or partner . . . . tall, handsome, ambitious, responsible, . . . etc” Furthermore Lipthrott says, “ All of us have an unconscious list too . . . one that is outside of our awareness.” I further agree that we seek another who reflects parts of us that we have not learned to process or express.

What happens is our sub/or unconscious draws to us someone to love that feels familiar enough. This process usually attracts someone who eventually we can identify with certain characteristics of our mom or dad, maybe as Dawn says, “someone who can be fun, but is also just a little emotionally unavailable.” Someone that we love might be strong, but also critical. And this criticalness drives us nuts.

What this does that mean? Let me tell you a story from one of my patient’s point of view. After 16 years of marriage, then divorce, Janice (not her real name) finds a man who is courts her with intimate conversations, and who seemed emotionally present. She thinks she’s in heaven. Then after a several years, she says, ”He has become cold emotionally, critical of me, distant, and depressed.” Though her frustration and her own panic anxiety Janice wants to know, “How did this happen again? My first husband became depressed, drank and criticized me.”

Janice says she has worked so hard over these past years to change her husband. The more she has tried to talk with him and ask him to change, the more frustrated and anxious she became. She says, “I’ve done everything I can think of to have him talk to me, but he gives me one word answers.” She further blurts out, “I think I’m going crazy.”
Maybe the following quote can shine a light on the problem here. According to author Robert Burney on codependence, he states, “I spent most of my life doing the Serenity prayer backwards, that is, trying to change the external things over which I had no control – other people and life events – and taking no responsibility (except shaming and blaming myself) for my own internal process – over which I can have some degree of control. Having some control is not a bad thing; trying to control something or somebody over which I have no control is what is dysfunctional.”

With Janice her imago relationship that was unprocessed and emotionally unexpressed, was the one with her depressed, distant, and critical mother. Her present husband acts like her mom and Janice wants to stay with him. How can Janice take her life to the next level? What does Janice need to do here if she wants a better quality of life?

Three Tips To Do:
1. Read the Boundary Book by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend and discuss its content with a supportive group.
2. Get an Al-Anon Sponsor by going to at least 6 Al-Anon meetings
3. Continue Therapy to work through her mother issues

KEEP A DAILY JOURNAL for your Self Improvement

Spend 10 minutes a day jotting down the following pieces of information about specific events that left you upset or disappointed. After 1-3 weeks, you will start to see patterns in your thoughts and relationships.

Sheila Bender is a poet, essayist, author says, “Use the journal to write whatever it is you want to write! There is no wrong way to keep a journal; it is for your eyes only or for the eyes of exactly who you want to see it.”

Follow these guidelines as you write to self improvement.

1. Scene: Describe (just the facts) the upsetting event.

2. Thoughts: Write down what you were thinking or imagining.

3. Feelings: Put your feelings into words. For example say, “I am feeling ____________________.”

4. Symptoms: Did you have physical reactions. Such as sweating, muscle tension, stomachache, headache, or other?

TAKE OR MAKE A REALITY CHECK

Review what you have written when you are calmer. This could be the next day. In your writings look for thinking distortions and begin to question those distortions. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this event? How can I change my way of thinking?”

Use the following tools to help you adjust your thinking so that it is more balanced.

1. Check for irrational beliefs and these are listed below.

2. Examine the evidence.

3. Practice being an observer of your own behaviors. Ask yourself, “If my friend were in this stress, what would her or she say to me?”

IRRATIONAL BELIEFS OR COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS CAUSE EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL PAIN.

James J Messina, PhD, is a licensed psychologist with more than 35 years of experience counseling individuals and families,says, ” These are messages about life we send to ourselves that keep us from growing emotionally.” They are Scripts we have in our head about how we believe life “should” be for us and for others. They are unfounded attitudes, opinions and values we hold to be true and yet these lead us to experiencing a funk.

1. All or Nothing Thinking: You look at things in absolute, black or white categories.

2. Overgeneralizations: You look at a negative event as a never-ending situation of defeat.

3. Mental Vice: You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positive in your life.

4. Discounting Yourself: You insist that your achievements or positive qualities “don’t count for much.” You may say, “That success wasn’t really earned by me.”

5. Jumping to conclusions: You use mind reading and insist people are thinking negative about you when there is no definitive evidence. Or you use fortune telling where you arbitrarily predict that things will turn out bad for you based on past experiences.

6. Magnification or minimization: You blow things out of proportion or you inappropriately shrink their importance.

7. Emotional reasoning: You reason by using what you feel. I feel stupid, so I really must be stupid.

8. “Shouldn’ts”: You self criticize or criticize other people using should, musts, oughts, and’ have tos’.

9. Labeling: You identify with your faults. Instead of saying, “ I made a mistake.” You call yourself a jerk, a fool or loser.

10. Personalization and blame: You blame yourself for things you are not entirely responsible for, or you blame other people and overlook ways that your own thoughts, attitudes, or behaviors might be part of the problem.

11. Personalization: You believe a comment wasn’t random but that it was directed at you.

12. Perfectionism: You believe that doing a merely adequate job is the same as being a failure.

13. External Self-Worth: You believe and feel your self-worth or self esteem is dependent upon what others may think of you.

Irrational Beliefs Can Sting You Like Angry Bees

Here is an article you will enjoy that Amy wrote for Healthy Montana News, using my interview material.

Acting Like a Child Again Can Improve Your Health

BY AMY GRISAK • March 12, 2010

The next time someone says you act like a child, consider it a compliment. It turns out taking a cue from kids can greatly boost your health and well-being.

In nearly 40 years of working with children and adults, Dr. Kathleen Fuller, a cognitive behavior psychotherapist and author of “Not Your Mother’s Diet,” helps her patients change their outlook and actions in life by reconnecting with what they loved to do as a child.

Find what moves you-

“Playing does relieve stress,” said Fuller. “It’s a form of self-expression that many adults have lost.”

“Kids are willing to stretch their imaginations and roll with the punches, while adults get stuck,” said Susan Andrus, a Bozeman mom of a toddler. She is an artist who has performed in various forms of theater most of her life. From her experience with all aspects of the stage, she appreciates the value in her son’s antics. She sees there are lessons to be learned if you lighten up.

The tricky part about play is it isn’t always easy. “If you’ve ever watched a 2-year-old trying to put a bead on a string,” compared Andrus about the challenges in a new activity. “But, when he’s finished, oh the triumph!”

Ask any toddler, the hardest part is taking that first step. Fuller has her patients go through a series of breathing and visualizing, remembering what they enjoyed as children and taking a step to do it.

If fishing was a favorite activity growing up, she encourages them to grab a rod and reel and head out for a couple of hours. Just like riding a bike, whether you used to paint or play on the gym set, you never forget.

Snack time-

Kids are like little hummingbirds needing to rejuvenate their energy reserves with frequent small meals. It would be good for many adults to follow their example. Instead of holding out for hours, only to pig out at meal time, grab simple, preferably healthful snacks.

Fuller said, “I do this. I usually have a snack around 3:30 or 4:00 p.m. to keep my blood sugar level up.”

Eat only until full-

Ever notice how young kids don’t stuff themselves? When they’re done, they’re done. With many adults who view a buffet as a personal challenge, it’s obvious we’ve lost some sense along the way.

Andrus said the 6-month-old infant she babysits just started eating solid foods. “She’s crazy about food,” she said. “She gets excited and jumps up and down, but when she’s full, she’s done. No matter how much she likes the taste of the avocados she won’t open her mouth for another bite. If I sneak a bite in, it just falls right back out.”

Fuller said our habits, including how we view food, develop in stages. During the toddler years, “most know when they’ve had enough.” But oftentimes a parent steps in to encourage more, even if it’s vegetables or something healthy.

“They’re in tune with what their bodies need,” said Fuller. By pushing food beyond what a child instinctively needs, we’re undermining future choices.

The hardest part is saying “no,” even as an adult. But try not to let the caring aunt or grandmother push that piece of pie on you as you literally listen to your gut.

Nap time-

Naps are counter intuitive to our workaholic culture, but we might be hindering ourselves. There is lots of scientific evidence showing naps increase productivity.

Fuller said in a Harvard University study “students were encouraged to take a nap to consolidate what they learned.”

Besides making lessons stick, Fuller said naps are shown to lower blood pressure and body temperature, stimulate creativity and reduce the risk of heart attacks.

“All the benefits are just wonderful,” she said.

The South American tradition of a “siesta,” a short afternoon nap typically between 2 and 4 p.m., is common throughout the world. Businesses close so people can sleep.

Fuller said she’s been known to spread out her yoga map in her office, and take a short nap. “I sleep for 15 minutes. It’s very effective.”

Wise words-

Even though we’re all grown up and think we have all of the answers, restoring some of our childlike behavior can be one of the smartest things we do.

Fuller said she loves the thoughts from the book, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,” where the author, Robert Fulghum, wrote, “Think of what a better world it would be if we all — the whole world — had cookies and milk about 3 o’clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap.”

— Amy Grisak is a freelance writer and photographer specializing in gardening, local food and Montana stories. She lives in Great Falls with her husband and two young sons.

What is Body Image Confidence and what does it have to do with the word phat? Did I spell that word wrong? First phat is a young people’s word for awesome/terrific/groovy—phat! Or phat can be a text acronym for ‘Pretty Hot And Tempting.’ It is pronounced “fat.” What a wonderful reversed meaning. So what is body image confidence?

1. It’s like a washed window perspective of your shape and that includes how you see the many parts of your body.

2. Another example is that you can celebrate your unique body shape and your shape has little to do with your character.

3. Be proud of your natural shape and refuse to waste time obsessing on food, weight, and calories.

4. If need be make a goal of feeling comfortable and confident in your body.

So who do you know that is phat? I think of Drew Barrymore with her magic power over guys. She’s real. She has full hips, and real breasts, and a style that’s all her own. What body image confidence and a special spark that captures attention. Drew doesn’t know how to have a perfect body image because there is no such body image. She understands how to ‘kick it’ (her inner critic) because she celebrates the body she has.

So how could you take a typical inner critic statement that you tell yourself about your body image and turn that sentence or word or belief about body image into a positive belief or statement? The first step is to write it down maybe in a journal or other. Then write the question, “What do I say to myself instead?”

The next step is simply listening to your inner intuition that can show you what to say to yourself. Read your question each day expecting the answer. Answers can come to us in many ways. Maybe something is spoken that catches your attention on the radio, or T.V. or even a friend might say something that catches your ears. Yes, be prepared to catch the answer by being on the lookout. Make it fun and stay tuned into your question for answers.

Taking action is the last step to kicking self-criticism. Ask yourself, “What could I say to myself to encourage me to take actions that would help me feel freer about my body image?” Remember you are in charge, and you can break free of the negative trap you’re in by following the above technique. And remember success is one failure after another without losing your motivation.

Phat-Pretty Hot And Tempting

What if your weight isn’t decreasing? Check the following four reasons after you have honestly counted all the sneak eating here and there. Keeping a food diary in a small pocket sized notebook can help you see what you are eating.
Life’s little habits can be adding to your food intake. If this sounds like you, then increasing your awareness can help you put a stop to the calorie sabotages.

1. Too much T.V.— a 2006 study published in the journal Preventing Chronic Diseases found that more than two hours of television watching per day was associated with a high body mass index in men and women, which translates to being overweight or obese.

2. Not enough sleep — People who sleep less than 7 hours a night are more likely to gain weight than those who sleep more, according to a recent study published in the American Journal of Epidemiology. Sleep deprivation causes a cascade of physiological effects, including changes in the hormones that regulate hunger. Research author Sanjay Patel, MD, assistant professor of medicine at Case Western Reserve University in Ohio shows that regular exercise helps you fall asleep and stay asleep. (Exercise can help reduce anxiety.)

3. Your spouse or significant other rebels against healthy eating—May be you can’t change another ‘s eating, but you do share meals. Make the meals healthy and ask your mate to exercise with you. Research shows that couples who exercise together are healthier and keep their weight balanced. Any way you look at this, your partner’s eating habits greatly affect yours. University of Minnesota research revealed that married couples share similar body mass indexes. You can make a difference by asking and inspiring change.

4. You continue to skip breakfast— Ann Yelmokas McDermott, PhD, LN, a nutrition scientist at the USDA Nutrition Research Center at Tufts University states, “When you skip a meal you start setting yourself up for starvation mode. Then you start just wanting to grab anything, and you lose that ability to register when you’ve had enough.” Be aware that this style of eating becomes a habit and gabbing food causes a weight gain. Those that have this style often times say when finally ready to eat, “I am starving.” With this attitude overeating follows. 3,000 people who had lost at least 30 pounds according to the National Weight Control Registry, found that they kept the weight off for more than a year by staying with the habit of eating breakfast.

Let Your Weight Fall Away

The Silver Elephant Brooch

I was sitting in a class that was addressing the spiritual consciousness of the life cycles of men, nations, and planets—and the concept of memories was brought up, and I announced, “Your memories can be changed.” That very statement brought up a passionate response in one of the attendees. She asked me, “How could they be?”

I proceeded to explain very briefly my answer because I didn’t want to take over the class with a long explanation. I was not leading this class.

I did my best to explain that we all have a time line in our subconscious and that memories are more fluid than we might suspect. By reviewing our memories from a calm and safe position as author, actor, and director of the action- maybe in therapy or in a quiet contemplation; and if they are charged with trauma emotions then this process can change your perception of what happened. Your memory is all that matters for your peace of mind and any healing that needs to take place. Look to yourself for answers.

5 To Does First:

1. Practice the art of meditation or an active contemplation (20 minutes daily and you can start by practicing maybe 3 minutes to begin)
2. Develop a trust in your Higher Power
3. Learn the art of asking the right questions and catching the answers
4. Practice the art of gratitude for all you see, do or think.
5. Know that it may be difficult for some time, or it may be easier-

I have been on my spiritual consciousness path since 1974 and that is 36 years. For you, it would be important to know that the rewards of practice are amazing. I hope you can enjoy and have an insight from the following story.

This is a story that I received during the early morning hours when my dreaming woke me up. However first, I’d like to quote a book called the Shariyat. It says, “Profound wisdom….. does not reveal itself at first glance because it is not a matter of surface knowledge, but a deep realization of the inner self.”

Here is the story of the Silver Elephant Brooch that my youngest daughter bought for me on her Mexico Vacation some 15 years ago. I love elephants and the elephant was an animal totem for her when she was born and is mine too. The elephant represents according to Animal Speak by Ted Andrews, ancient power, strength, and royalty. The Hindu god of wisdom and success, Gamesha, is usually depicted with an elephant head.

I have worn this silver brooch many times during the past 15 years. So last week I wanted to wear it. It is silver, so I polish it each time I wear it. I polish it using a secret substance called toothpaste. I don’t use regular toothpaste myself, so I use my love’s – Jeff’s. I don’t think he knows I do this with his toothpaste. ……..

There I am polishing the silver elephant, and I notice for the first time in 15 years that there is a circular part on its back so that I could wear it as a necklace.

This is where my perception changed in an instant. The memory of wearing this Silver Elephant Brooch was changed forever, now that I had the insight to see it also as a necklace. It can be both a brooch and a necklace.
This concept of changing memories with one’s perception reminds me that when I was stuck in myself-doubts and poor me’s of the past many years, I was stuck in a certain solid like memory of my perception or my own creation.

By having spiritual insights while reviewing my past, allows my perception to change like it did with the Elephant Brooch.

In an instant everything can change and the ‘Aha moment’ or Soul’s Awakening, is when the technique of practicing gratitude comes to fruition. This may take years of difficulty, or it may be sooner. To me the instant I get it; it’s like a bounding loveable dog that runs up to me and gives me a big lick of love on my cheek.

Why not set your sights on the highest possible spiritual consciousness?